Home

Driving back from Abilene yesterday the sun was setting and casting that warmth on everything it touched as the cool air settled in behind it. It is such a gorgeous drive. The grass was still faded green with the faintest wine colored tips, set aglow by the Texas sun.

Fall reminds me so much of the evening. The kind at home with your mom in the kitchen cooking, iced tea, the evening news blaring, and that unmistakable setting sun. The kind that sends streams of tangerine light through your windows and stretches out shadows as far as they can go. Fall is that feeling of home, when it most feels like home. The year has run through it's normal routine and we are left with these long shadows to consider before winter closes in.

For me it's a time of reflection. A winding down.

This last year has changed my life in ways I could have never imagined. I've spent a lot of time trying to find home after the loss of my grandmother. She was the center of our family. We all feel lost without her.

With that and driving back and forth, trying to figure out where I was going to live and work I felt out of place. I am so blessed that as this fall settles in I have a home. A place for winding down, for cooking dinner, and creating, and welcoming the cold outside because in here I am warm and comforted.

Cleaning Things Up

Oh it was a long summer. Filled with empty schedule days, home renovation, and depression. I knew not working was going to be a challenge. I'm content with having a job: a thing. When I don't I've found that I feel useless and destructive. I imagine most people are like that, and that's nothing new. What amazes me is the way that depression controls you. It can be a struggle everyday to find any kind of happiness, and it was.

It was a sticky black tar. It seeped through my brain and clung to everything. No part of my life was safe. No relationship was safe. Life was dim and gray. I felt defensive and self destructive, but I would wake up everyday and try to be positive. I would try to find some enjoyment. It would ebb momentarily, then flow like a river. Nothing was left clean. Just a sticky mess that I didn't know how to clean up.

And maybe that's the thing about depression: we can't clean it up. It soils all of us at some point in our lives. All we can do is wake up everyday and hope that that will be the day the tar has cleared out. And of course it eventually does.

We're coming into fall, and I'm happy again. I'm painting, I've found a weekend x-ray job, and I've moved in with Terry. I can dream about the future again: it feels possible.

You've Heard It Before: When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade.

No school, no job, no problem! I made THREE pitchers of fresh sqeezed lemonade this week. That's fifteen lemons! A little fresh mint from the backyard, and forget the freakin blues. I'm loving this time off.

Singing in the Rain (the Blues that is...)

Ok here's the deal: I'm jobless. I'm hurt about it like I've been dumped. It's simply rejection...kinda. I was told the hospital would love to hire me, but unfortunately there aren't enough job openings available, yada, yada, yada. After two years of being on a constant job interview I'm left feeling like I've been replaced with a blonde bimbo with silicone you-know-whats! Eh. What are you going to do? Neil Young: "...I've been first and last..." Everyone has to have their last place moment I guess. Unfortunately not getting a much needed job is not good timing for that.

I'm going to try to hold out a little because it's a great hospital to be at. Maybe I'm supposed to find something closer to Terry, though. It can't hurt to apply like crazy, right?

But anywho this is my last week of clinicals (thank GOD) so I just need to get through it. I'm ready to spend some time on creative projects during my job searching/summer break. I have quite a few ideas blooming, and maybe it's meant to be a creative period for me.

On another note being at my dad's has been pretty dull lately. It has nothing to do with him. It's just been quiet with my mom and grandmother gone. I was considering what it was like a year ago: dinners every Sunday evening around 6:30 for years. I miss that. Now it's just dusty and solemn. How quickly everything can change. My heart hurts for the family that I used to have.

And Father's Day is coming up, I'm broke, haven't given the news to my dad about not getting a job yet, and I feel awful. I had hoped I could take him to a Ranger's game. He deserves fun after this year, and I just wish I could do something about it.

Trying, oh how I'm trying to remain positive through all of this.

Forecast Unknown

Job news came in today unfortunately. There are three positions open, two filled by classmates, and a tie for the third position between the last three of us. We will know by Friday. It's nerve-racking to say the least. A piece of my heart is with all of these people at this hospital, and thinking about leaving makes me incredibly sad!

And everyone tries to reassure me with references to paths. Robert Frost once talked about a path, and people haven't quit talking about them since! I suppose this is because it is so true to the development of our lives. We grow to love the change that is often thrown upon us unwanted, and we look back glad that we were forced to catch it. Karma, God, chance; however you believe you were made to keep taking these steps on this path that continually unearths before you, embrace it. I have no regrets about my life. Mistakes? Yes, many. Words spoken and actions taken that make my tummy turn? Absolutely. But I would not change any of it. I love the person that I am. I've gotten to know me quite well, and I like me, as imperfect as I am.

So I'm supposed to use this time as discovery I think: a map if you will. And through the nerves and possible disappointment I do see the pavement starting to show, little by little. There is much thanks to be had that I am not alone on this path. I entered this world alone, I will leave alone, but I do not have to walk alone. Is this how Dorothy felt? It's The Wizard of Oz! I have the dog and red shoes and everything!!! The reward is in the journey, not the destination. So although the forecast is unknown, right now it's sunny, warm, and I'm gonna take Toto...er Maggie, to the park. :)

Sunny and Warm

The last few months have been such a whirlwind I haven't had time to let the insecurities of change sink in. I suppose the longer you go along the easier it gets, or maybe I'm just super excited about the changes taking place! Getting a real life grown-up job is probably the most exciting of all of it. I'm ready. I never want to have to ask another person I don't know if I can refill their tea, or if they've saved some room for dessert...I'll be right back with your change!

My sister having a baby is just another happy thing. I am so happy for her. Knowing that our lives are blooming and growing into what we have dreamed of and have been working towards is a blissful feeling. I feel blessed.

My future with Terry is just another reason for it. Things just feel right. 'Nuff said.

The downside to all of this is of course letting go of what held you together these last couple of years: my class. Incredibly close, we are splitting up to graduate and get real jobs. Most of us will hopefully be working together (still no news on who's getting jobs), but the dynamic will change. Paula is moving to Indiana, and Brandon has a job out of town. The rest will probably remain in the Abilene area. These people have meant so much to me: Nina bringing food on class days, lunch at the round table in the cafeteria, texting to get through boring rotations, walks to the parking lot at the end of the day, half the class trying to do an x-ray together (how many students does it take to take an x-ray?), labs, crazy patient stories, late hours...I could go on and on. They were my family for the short but long two years. At least we made the best of it!

Partly cloudy in the morning; expect sun and warm temperatures in the afternoon

Hey all! I suppose this is my attempt at a record of some sort (as I'm sure most blogs are). I've been wanting to document the general thoughts, creative ideas, and pics of my generally quiet life. Maybe I'm hoping this will help me to realize the form of my day to day existence. I'd like to look back and know that I wasn't so lost in the moment that I forgot to appreciate and take a little time for analysis, a little time to allow some inkling of wisdom to settle in :)